Underlying Issue

Fear is a common underlying issue that us addicts are faced with everyday. However, because of our nature as addicts and our unique sensitivity we often find that we are usually deficient when it comes to facing fears; let alone facing fears in a healthy way. Since I am not much different than most addicts I too have a specific underlying sensitivity that makes it exceedingly difficult to look my fears in the face. When I refuse to handle them head on I find myself putting them out of my head therefore failing to create solutions or resolving the fears. In a way I see this as a fear-stemmed, self-perpetuating, emotional procrastination.

In Alcoholics Anonymous a popular acronym for the word fear is "Fuck Everything And Run." I think this a popular instinct amongst addicts like myself. Going through life I will always experience uncertainty, unfairness and frustration. Learning how to manage my fears and stand up to them is an essential element in my sobriety.

When the uncertainty of the future and frustrations arise they cause my stress level to escalate quickly; almost always the immediate reaction to this is to get a case of the "fuck its" and run. Previously when this happened I turned to drugs or alcohol as a form of escapism. However, now that that option is no longer a viable one in my life I find it easy to just shut down. By shutting down I close the door on actually dealing with these stresses, which at the root of them is always fear, and either withdraw and internalize or project my fears and frustrations on external things. Right now it seems I am on the brink of some rather drastic life changes. I find myself afraid of the uncertainty of the outcome of these things. When I feel afraid it is my natural reaction to put things out of my head rather than thinking from a solution based place.

The main thing I fear that is absolutely the most pressing is any prospect of financial instability. I rely on money to make me happy and material things and living in the fashion I want is very important to me and in some ways my higher power. Especially right now with some of the things I’m going through I fear that I will have to be dependent on my father in able to live the lifestyle I enjoy and have become accustomed to. This constant fear of financial instability has hindered my ability to completely sever myself from his intrusions and become completely financially independent. Once I am able to face and conquer this fear I will be able to handle and resolve many of my other issues, namely the dissolution of my marriage without fear or my father’s money controlling me. In conclusion, conquering my fears will in turn set me free from all the other people in my life managing and controlling me. I have thus far began to conquer my addiction and once I have done this conquering my fears will be easier to take on.

By R.H. on Saturday, July 3rd 2010.

No Guarantee

There are many times I can identify feeling close to God as I understand him. The first is every time I am airborne. There is no guarantee that I am going to be okay, that I am going to live, that I am going to be breathing when I land. I feel that God's will in some sick, twisted way, helps me land on my snowboard or skateboard upright and continue on. I also feel close to God when my life is at risk or right after it has been. For example, when I witnessed a suicide and the guy was standing behind me a minute before he did it, in retrospect I felt very close to God because it was his will to let me and my friends live. I feel that I am close to God all the time, but I am the closest when I am simply giving up my own will and turning my life over to God's will. I, however do make decisions, but I only do my part: I do not try to force things to happen or try to expect things to happen because that only can lead to disappointment and resentment. I felt close to God today when I lost my keys and said out loud, “If God wills me to have them, I will find them.” Sure enough, they were found and returned to me. Anyways, I could go on, but you only gave me 250 words, so I will stop.

By E.P. on Monday, June 21st 2010.

A "Good" Person

If I were to get an award, I would want it to be for being a genuinely “good” person. What does this mean? Sure, we always hear about people talking about how someone they know is a good person. Everyone has the ability to be kind to those that they love, that’s easy. Unselfishness is a key component to being better then a “good” person. It’s having the ability to be able to be happy with yourself if your actions affected anyone else positively. Even if you didn’t necessarily benefit from your actions, you still receive warmth with the fact that someone elses day was made better by you. When I go to sleep at night, I can honestly say that I did my personal best to make someone’s day brighter. I think that we get so caught up these days with looking for ways to enhance our personal selves when the simple answer lies right in front of us. Why can’t we just be happy with making other people happy? Why do we always have to be the main beneficiary of our actions? It’s a sad thing that some people cannot come to this simple realization and I really feel sorry for them. Even if I’m having a bad day, I still look for ways to help other people out because I know that it will make not only them, but me feel better.

Two days ago I was having a terrible day and on my way back to my car I overheard a girl distraught on the phone because she didn’t have enough money for gas to get home so I approached her and the money for gas she needed to get home. About a week ago I was at Starbucks and an elderly women had missed the bus so I drove her home a couple miles down the road. It’s these simple experiences that are just small blips in my personal pursuit of happiness. Sure, having wealth and success are great but if you stop and take a look around once in awhile, we tend to forget how much of an impact the simple actions in life can have. While the point of this essay is to establish what I would want to receive an award for, it would not be for my actions. It would be to recognize my belief that the good you do for others is just as beneficial as the good it does for you because this recognition would hopefully inspire others to adopt this similar ideology. I go through each day of my life without bragging to anyone about my daily deeds because there is no need for that. You aren’t supposed to do these good deeds in hopes of others seeing you in a better light, you do them for yourself and for those others. Those that may not have it as good as you. Those that have to struggle for a daily meal or have to curl up under a box each night. They might have it rougher then most, might not see any glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, but I believe and have personally witnessed that SOME of them share my same feeling of positivity towards other and they are the ones that should really be receiving the award.

By M.K. on Thursday, May 27th 2010.

Tandoori

Just went to Tandoori.. That meaning is really growing on me. There is a guy there named Bob that I am looking at as a potential sponsor, scratch that - he will be my sponsor if he accepts. I just like his take on things. He has the same everyday problems as I do (obviously different circumstances) but his perspective and solutions are completely opposite of mine. This appeals to me. The way I do things obviousy has not been working for me. For some reason today I am feeling willing and ready for the day - open to suggestions, feedback... some sort of direction. Nevermind the bullocks - I'm find for the time being. Its frustrating, I feel fine right now but my moods are so unpredictable all the time. Sometimes I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... most of the time it looks like a freight train but oh well. At least I'm sober today and in somewhat of a good headspace. I heard a speaker the other night that had a lot of interesting points and I liked his overall share so I went up to him after the meeting and talked to him. I asked him how he got into praying and things along those lines. He mentioned a few things... I contested something he said. He says to me "your the type that thinks too much, I can tell that of you already... son if you wanna go down the beach and try and fight the waves be my guest - make sure you tell me how it goes." This resonates with me immensely.

Every aspect of my life I either overthink or fight. In the state of mind that I am in right now I can realize this but as for times when I am not doing so well... Nothing gets through to me. All that matters at the time is the sick feeling and the anxiety and some strategy to alleviate it. At the moment, I know that I need to just calm down and breathe but that doesnt occur to me when I am actually in it. Mostly I feel like its never going to end. If you are reading this and you've never had a panic attack - I can't expect you to understand. Nor do I really care if you understand. How can I explain something I do not fully understand. Most people say that you have to just understand that is works. Not why it works or how it works just that it works. Like cars, I dont know how they work. I drive slow and slow but don't know anything about the engine but I just accept the fact that it just works. Now all I have to do is just apply that to life, easier said than done. One thing that makes me mad about AA, there are so many people that are so eager to comfort people they overlook what your actually saying to them. There are so many people that want "to just play the savior part". If I happen to share about something they immedately open their mouth and say "I know how you feel". I just shared one small detail of my life and from that you can tell me that you completely understand my situation. I shared in group once about my grandfather committing suicide and this guy next to me starts rubbing my back and says "I know how you feel".... I asked him if he has ever had a family member commit suicide... Nope - even so its not even the suicide that was the whole problem it was the ripple effect it caused. It tore my dads side of family apart. So this guy claims he "understands".....choose your words wisely. Yes I do realize all this man is trying to do is comfort me but when it is set at such a high premium in my head to figure these emotions out and get a better understanding of my situation I get frustrated easily..... not sure where I was going with that one. Lately, one the my main issues is slowing down my mind. My mind is always going really fast. Its really hard to channel my thoughts into one topic... the other side of this whole idea is I do it in part to distract myself from actaully sitting in my feelings. Its a topic I dont necessarily really want to get into. Enough for now.

By K.R. on Thursday, May 27th 2010.

Trouble Within Me

What I’m disturbed, do I reflect on the source of trouble within me?

What does this mean? What is the source of the trouble within me when I am feeling troubled? I am wondering if every trouble we feel in our lives is truly perpetrated only by ourselves and our inner emotions. The program tries to teach is that everything can be fixed within us, but what if the world will not allow that? What If there are people, places and things in the world which are truly out to ruin any sort of inner peace we might strive to possess. How is anyone to say this isn’t the case? When so many people in the world face insurmountable odds the only way out is to go to extremes. Extremes by toppling governments, oppositional parties, oppressors, or even as light handed as an annoying neighbor. If we could fix the world and all our problems by just looking inside ourselves, then would anything truly ever get done? Would we ever look outside ourselves for the greater good? I believe we would just be as selfish as we were when we first arrived in the program. “Your opinions can’t hurt me, I am stone”.

There are so many variations of how someone’s opinion can affect another, but what is truly the right way to interpret someone else’s opinion? As long as we don’t let it take control over our own life correct? Maybe? In a program that is “Teaching” us how to get reacquainted back into living life on life’s terms, as anyone ever asked what is lifer’s terms, exactly? The dictionary defines life as “the condition that distinguishes organisms from inorganic objects and dead organisms, being manifested by growth through metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.” What strikes me is the” adaptation to environment through changes originating internally.” While this is more of a darwin-esque quote (no not the dog) on how the human condition will adapt and evolve into a survivable species… I like to look this of this is more of an existential way. The human environment (society) is perpetrated constantly by rapidly changing social norms and status quos. Where does this change come from? Who decides on the ultimate terms to living life on life’s terms in an ever changing society? Existentially there must be more to this and life and I believe the only way such a laymen state of being can be overcome is by being pushed enough to decide to make serious changes. Not just for ourselves, but for everyone around us. Someone else has already written and dictated how I must live to be considered a “citizen”, maybe it’s about time the rules were rewritten.

By D.K. on Thursday, May 27th 2010.

My Journey

I have never written about how my life was before I became sober. I just never thought that I would Have to. It has been a journey and crazy one at that. I would have to say I started experimenting with drugs coming out of junior high. I was a major athlete and right away found myself in the wrong crowds but did not think twice about it. First going to high school was really easy actually. I met everyone right from the start. Shit I was with two of the hottest girls right from week one. I would then come to realize that they were also two of biggest sluts on campus, but that did not bother me. Being with them just made me more popular along with being a star lacrosse and soccer player. I was happy and things were great until i found weed and booze. Although It did not affect my sports, It had an effect on my people skills and how I performed in the classrooms. I must have really good at hiding it because I never got caught. I even became the friendly neighborhood alcohol dealer. Yes I became so comfortable that I became the guy you came to if you needed a handle. I had my connections. I Was able to get booze in town through some people. We drank at night in our house. We smoked on weekends. We drank and smoked when we thought we could, but only on weekends. We had brains about it. It's not like we just started doing stupid shit at random times. We actually thought it out and planned. This was an ongoing through high school and Finally in 2005, my senior year, my graduating year, a very fucking important year...I got screwed and my All-American in lacrosse is taken away from me. I graduated none the less, but something very important was taken from me.

Angry and sad at myself I decided to go to college in Florida. This is when things really started to pop off so to say. Within the first month of being down there at my new university, I got myself suspended. I knew It was going to be a rough road. I was forced to go to some program to get back into my school. I went to Patagonia and showed those fuck heads what was up. I was out there pitching tents in freezing temperatures with the wind blowing like crazy to make matters worse. I survived blizzards and dehydration. I trekked for over a month with a bunch of troubled kids I didn't know. They were so slow It was pissing me off. I couldn't smoke or drink which made it that much worse. I was always like a mile ahead in our hikes. I think one kid could keep up with my pace. I know It made me sound like an asshole but I couldn't stand it. I was still trying to be supportive and cheer ever everyone on being like "oh come on you can do it" and such, but I was still very angry and so I basically said I would start dragging people pretty soon. Just being there made me want to use. Thank God it was over pretty quickly. I was back in Florida in no time and my using picked up right away. This time coke and pills were introduced. Opiates and such. I also loved xanax very much. Every night became a great night to go out to Miami and party. I didn't mind wasting money because I was happy in sick sense. I basically said fuck it to studying. I thought my life would just fall into place as I went along. Little did I know or care about, my grades were going downhill. I was not bothered by this. I simply did not care. I was put on academic suspension for a while.

I continued to have a blast then All of a sudden I went to class. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was my ex-girlfriends doing. I fell in love with this girl, but I am not going to talk about her because it will not help. point is this girl did allot for me in the last five years that we were together. I was kicked out of this school. and she continued to go out with me. I went back and forth from the north east and Florida to be with her and go to class. It was crazy. Every time I came back to Florida went I was not supposed to be there, I would use like crazy. I flew with weed under my nutts. I was high all the time. I started making some really bad decisions and got myself into a great deal of trouble. In the last few months I have had plenty of time to think about the dumb shit I have done . The police are no longer after me. I am not going to jail which is awesome. I have lost the girl I love though, but I am over that. I am very much focused on my recovery. This program has been the been the best thing so far. I have made plenty of friends in this place. People I can almost trust with allot of things. I did get kicked out of my last house for having a drink, but I don't regret it. I love this new house that I am in. I do anything for most of these fuckers. I am trying to get a job right now and I plan on staying in Los Angeles. I love it here. There is allot of potential in this damm city. I swore I would never live here either. I always said fuck the west side, but yet here I am trying to make the best of it. I am feeling confident that I will pull it together very soon within the next month or so....so go me!

By C.H. on Thursday, May 27th 2010.

Peace Within the Storm

I love the phrase for this assignment, Serenity isn't freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm. It rings true because life is a storm. It's not easy, that's for sure. One writer a love to quote within these essays is Scott Peck, he wrote The Road Less Travelled. The reason he gave the non-fiction piece that title was because so few people recognize and accept that life is, in fact, difficult. Also, people seldom recognize that they could be genuinely happy, potentially, if they attempt spiritual growth and soul-search. I bring this book up because in my first rehab, Summer of '08, right outside of Philadelphia I read it in a time of grief. In many ways getting sober and dropping your drug-of-choice is like breaking up with a lover. At least, it was that way for me. Girls came after drugs. Drugs could betray you, too, as girls of course can (to say the least; they also are expensive and almost all of them are fucked-up) but drugs can betray you in a different way. To this day, I have never experienced true love with a girl. Although, I thought I did with drugs but that, too, was infatuation and a sick, dysfunctional relationship. Back to rehab (round 1) the book's first sentence, literally, is Life is Difficult.

Those three simple words are more than profound. Those three simple words tie in to life constantly being a storm. At times the storm will subside, there will even be moments of tranquility, but all and all you have to be tough-minded. And, ironically, being tough-minded can result from being soft and serene. Maybe not exactly soft, but firmly serene I'll say.

Serenity can be developed from so many different things; it's actually uncanny the amount of possiblities that are out there if you start thinking outside of the box and vigilently work on that Psychic Change. Now, Psychic Change is one paramount aspect to sobriety. But, at the same time, as life is (according to Peck), sobriety is difficult. And to get your life back, which is difficult, you must attain sobriety because we are sick people. We are insane. Sobriety is particularly hard because addicts have been living their entire lives one way, and in order to achieve solid sobriety addicts must change themselves almost completely. It's really not too fair, if you think about it. Perhaps, that is why the AA experts say thinking and feelings are irrelevant and harmful and can be enemies or culprits to a relapse in recovery. Sobriety, however, does get a lot easier when you are serene. I see serenity as a science, as sobriety is as well. But at the same time serenity and sobriety are quite synonymous in this instance. They connect to one another, and feed off one another. True serenity can be accomplished, simply, but with discipline and motivation.

At last, one thing that works for me is awareness. You know that Tolle would come into play within this essay; naturally, what better place to mix in a little Tolle than a topic on serenity. Tolle's value for awareness is attached to his concept of The Watchful Thinker. Being aware is being present, and being present allows to watch your mind and your thoughts in a passive, non-judgemental fashion. You don't beat yourself up or put yourself down for being a naughty boy or girl and having impure thoughts, but rather see the ego-driven thoughts, and maybe even smile a little at them. Smiling: It won't hurtcha any...

By A.L. on Wednesday, March 10th 2010.

Rigorous Honesty

Rigorous honesty, to me, is something that many “normies” aren't sure how to incorporate in their lives. What's so special about The Program is that non-addicts can also learn a lot from it; I see it as the foundation to a virtuous, healthy lifestyle. Honesty is emphasized over and over in sobriety and The Program, and in fact the 1st step is dedicated to honesty. It's difficult to be honest, however. The 1st step does go deeper than simply being truthful (which actually is not so simple) but also includes acceptance, and the drive to eliminate denial. Real hard, pressing issues also take honesty – and when it is real hard, that's when the element of vigilance comes into play.

I was rigorously honest when I decided to fly out here to LA to get sober. I was also honest with myself when I realized the intimate relationship with Shannon was dysfunctional and finally took action. To me rigorous honesty goes beyond speaking your mind all of the time; it is not trivial to me. The trivial circumstances demand less rigidity to be honest rather than what's required in the big picture. To always speak your mind in a conversation about politics, abortion, religion, or if your girlfriend's shirt makes her look fat or not is petty and I believe that if you're 100% honest about those things than you're simply tooting your own horn, not practicing humility, and lean towards having an egotistical sense of self. That kind of honesty can also be inappropriate, outlandish, and hurtful to others. Real genuine honesty, which is also rigorous, really becomes activated when the 4th and 5th step are achieved, because then you really start to know yourself, your ulterior motives, and what drives us and makes us tick. With Shannon, the Haven House staff and my therapist and my sponsor were able to break through to me and show that I was infatuated and obsessed with sex more than anything. When I heard what people were saying, it rang true, and then most importantly, took action.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, February 24th 2010.

Myself and My Actions

The closest I have ever felt to God is in the summer of 2008. I was at Passages to Recovery, a wilderness treatment center in southwest Utah. Being out in the wilderness for two months having no outside contact, no materialistic things, no technology was crazy. I really felt like a was powerless over everything, excluding myself and my actions. I was hiking everyday in the middle of nowhere basically living off the earth other than the food they dropped us off every Monday morning. Hiking to the top of mountains looking over miles of land as far as the eye could see really showed me that I have no control over the world. One day we hiked nine miles to the top of a cliff that dropped what looked like a thousand feet in to a valley below, it was the fourth of July and that night we had a meeting right on the edge of the cliff with the sun setting over the horizon, this was the exact moment I felt closest to the God of my own understanding, which I choose to call God. I believe truly deep down in my heart that God was reaching out to me showing me that Alcoholics Anonymous is the right answer to the loneliness and pain I had felt all my life. Over the course of the two months I spent in the wilderness at Passages to Recovery I became willing to give the sober life and Alcoholics Anonymous a shot. I gave it up to God and said, “do with me what you want”. He directed me to Los Angeles where I have since been giving it an honest effort to continue my life on a sober path.

By Anonymous on Friday, January 29th 2010.

One Year of Sobriety

Living here at the Haven House for the last 5 months and having a year of sobriety as of a couple weeks ago, I figure out that I still get to acquire many learning lessons here at the house. Lately I have been upset that I have been feeling like I pull more weight around the house then my house mates. I realize that sometimes this might be true, but a lot of the times I am just as guilty as they are. My character defects pour out when I get into a place of blame and judgment. I begin to expect that my housemates should be reading my mind to know that I would wish they would work harder to keep the house clean. But as my sponsor always tells me, expectations are pre-meditated resentments. I have an extreme fear of confrontation and I begin to see that if I simply asked or informed the people around me that I wish they would work harder to keep the house clean they would probably respond to my requests. Again though, I am just as guilty as they are. Just because some days I work harder at making sure my chores are done does not mean that I do so every day. There are days when I don’t want to do any chores because I had a hard day at school or a busy week and I am sure that this is the case with my housemates some days. Because of this program I get to write down these resentments and realize that I am being judgmental, egotistical, and having unrealistic expectations. These are great life lessons for me to learn on a continual basis about myself. This is another reason why I like living here at the Haven House so much. These lessons are important practice for when I move out and live with roommates again. I can’t always expect to have people read my mind. I get to practice speaking my mind now, expressing my feelings. As cheesy as it sounds, and I hate this saying. When you point your finger at someone there are three pointing back at yourself.

By S.R. on Monday, June 22nd 2009.

"I will never go to sober living"

haven house was suggested to me by my therapist in the rehab that i went too. I was one who said " i will never go to a sober living". But, my therapist talked me into at least going to check a few out. Haven house was one of them and i was met at the door by a manager named Greg. He showed my friend and I around the house and explained things like rules, and how day to day life is in this sober living. To be honest, the reason i chose haven house over the others was because of its location, how nicely kept the houses were, and by how much the house had to offer in terms of TVs, pool tables, Jacuzzis etc. When I moved in i got to utilize all of these things and i enjoyed myself right away. The plan was to come to this nice house with all the amenities for just one month to start me of in the right directions and maybe make some sober friends who i could relate to and hang out with. All these things were achieved, but now Ive been here two months and don't plan on leaving yet. My motives for coming here was the amenities, but my reason for staying here were far different. The owner Jeremy has tons of experience in this field, has a amazing work ethic, and having him around all the time is sort of like having a cross between a therapist and a sponsor at my disposal all the time. And the way he is rubs off on most of the managers here too. The reason i really stayed is because of the camaraderie that i found between the people who live here, and the way im encouraged and supported by the staff and by Jeremy. I stayed because Jeremy cares about what happens to me, and he shows me everyday how to live clean, and be as he always says " happy, joyus and free".

By M.G. on Monday, June 22nd 2009.

A Better Place

my therapist suggested haven house to me when i was on my way out of treatment. i told her that i didnt want to go to sober living, and had no interest in coming to see haven house. she made me promise at least to come see what this place was all about. I came to see haven house with a friend of mine from treatment and was met by greg, one of the managers. He explained the rules, and day to day living here. it didnt seem so bad really. i eventually decided that i would come to haven house just for one month, so i could meet some sober people my age which would help me form a sober foundation here in LA. Im now in my third month and will be staying for at least one more. Jeremy, and all the managers are so good at keeping us motivated, and helping us find a way to put the peices of our lives back together. I couldnt be in a better place.

By M.G. on Monday, June 22nd 2009.

7 Months

In three days, I will be sober for 7 months. Honestly, I’m in disbelief. I wasn’t planning on doing the whole recovery thing. Yet, I have. I’m actually going to keep on doing it too. I have lived in the Haven House for an entire half year. I feel like I have paid my dues and that it is time for me to part ways with this sober living. I am very grateful for the time I have had here. I really pulled my life back together while living here. I have started going to school again, gotten a job, and my music career is slowly but surely taking flight. I am glad that I am not using and wasting my life and potential.

Although recently, I have had a few using dreams. I think I have had about three of them. In each dream I used a different substance but with the same result. I couldn’t even enjoy getting high in a dream! I immediately felt guilty about losing my sobriety and letting people down. When I first got sober, I had using dreams and when I woke up I wanted to go right back to bed. Things have definitely changed. Don’t get me wrong, I still have the urge to use sometimes but I just don’t act on that impulsive behavior anymore. I can handle life on life’s terms now. I know I just threw in an Alcoholics Anonymous quote, but wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true.

My life is a little frustrating at times. I have school 4 days a week and work 5 days a week. On the days I don’t have one I have the other, and twice a week I go to school in the morning and work for the rest of the day. It’s been tough on me. I don’t have one day of down time. I truly need at least one day of some rest and recuperation. I am working on getting one less day of work on my schedule. I hope it works out. For the first time in my life, I enjoy my job and school. In the end, being happy with your life is what’s important.

By J.F. on Monday, June 22nd 2009.

Isolation and Destruction

I want to take this time to reflect upon isolation and its destruction. After speaking with my sponsor today, I realized that I sometimes dodge his and other’s phone calls. I screen them and hide. Also; If someone returns my call, and I decline calling them back; am I doing on to others as I would have them do on to me? Absolutely not! It is old behavior. If I don’t call my sponsor on a daily basis; not only am I not following direction, but I am isolating. That is the purpose of my “non-com.” This is my story.

voidance plays a huge role within my addiction. My addict says if I avoid doing anything and everything that causes me fear or feelings in general, it will somehow be ok. I can avoid these feelings and things will still work out! (the addict).

However, avoidance never gets me anywhere in life. It also has terrible consequences. Let’s say I avoid paying parking tickets, I will end up getting a boot on my car. If I avoid calling my sponsor, I am headed for the “boot.” I don’t isolate by staying in my room. I isolate by not picking up the phone when it rings… only sharing my story with certain folk….. compartmentalizing my truths. This is old behavior and it will get me nowhere. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

By J.B. on Monday, June 22nd 2009.

In Touch with Pain

Pain is something I am very intouch with. It never seems too far away from me. I feel it daily. A lot of that is centered in my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Every day I think about the pain she has caused me and I feel it all over again. It hurts that we are no longer communicating and also it hurts that she doesn’t try to get back with me anymore. My pain has developed into anger and hate and resentment. I feel so disappointed by her and it is almost unbearable sometimes. I have a hard time learning the lesson in my pain. I don’t understand why it has all happened and what I should do about it. I have been unable to move ahead and dwell and suffer in the pain instead. I have hope that it will pass, but when itn has been on me for so long, it starts to seem that it wont go away. I know that isn’t the case, but it feels that way. I also have a lot of anger within me that I don’t know how to deal with. My therapist wants me to access and begin to get rid of it but again, I don’t know how. It consumes me. I am not a person who openlky shows his anger or gets angry and yells or anything. I keep it down inside and it destroys me. It would behoove me to process my feelings and to exert that negative energy into something positive.

By A.R. on Monday, June 22nd 2009.

Grateful

What it's like. I'm not gonna lie (I work an honest program or something), sober living was not easy to accept at first. I came to Haven House after a 30-day stay at Cirque Lodge in Utah. I spent the first week or so basically stirring in self-pity. Who wouldn't right? I grew up in LA, i never thought i would be going to AA meetings and staying in a sober living home in this city, but here i am. I'm 19 years old and apparently i have alcoholism. I cant even buy a drink legally and everyday i have to say, "hi, i'm jeremy and I'm an alcoholic". How could it of come to this? I thought i had everything under control. I lived a fast life with fast friends and in such an enviorment it's hard to indentify those who have a problem, and those who are just recreational users. I quickly indentified myself as a recreational user, because who wants to be an addict. I never used by myself, so clearly i dont have a problem, right?. Plus I had some friends who were sent to rehab when i was in high school and they told me all about the program. I laughed at them a lot. I never thought i would be like them and hated to think i might one day have to go through the awful rooms of AA. Those people scared the hell out of me.

Today I am very grateful that i am going through it. I am very grateful to still be alive. It was hardly 71 days ago that i was lying in a hospital bed ODing. Everything in my life has happened for a reason. I got myself here and i am going to get myself through it. Not alone, but with the help of Haven house and the people in my life, i have been working the program and staying sober. It's not easy and surrendering my old ideas and ways of thinking was the hardest part. Haven house has been really challenging but i am really glad i am still fighting, the alternative doesnt even sound good anymore.

By J.U. on Sunday, March 22nd 2009.

7 Months

I have been clean now for almost 7 months. This is the longest I have ever managed without drugs or alcohol since I started using. I have attempted to get clean several times now with little success. I used to fear that life wasn’t possible without using. Sometimes that old fear still stirs.

The first time I attempted staying clean was when I was about 18 years old. I entered rehab for 30 days and left more motivated and excited than I had felt in years. This was natural excitement for actually feeling life again and possibly having a chance to do something with it. They tried to convince me that I needed to go to meetings and have an aftercare plan in order to maintain my sobriety. I thought at the time that meetings were for the weak, and that those who attended them were actually addicted to being addicted. I despised the meetings and vowed I would never become one of them. Reluctantly I agreed to try outpatient for 5 weeks after I discharged. Less than 2 weeks later I quit. I remember leaving for the last time after an argument with one of the employees. I had told the group that I was going out with old friends a few nights a week to parties and enjoying myself without the need to drink or use. I told them that these weren’t my drug buddies but my friends that I grew up with and only drank with. It was easy for me to stay clean then even in front of the alcohol and pot, because I saw how great life was and knew that I didn’t want to use again. They warned me that maybe not now, but soon it would catch up to me. He said, “you hang around the barber shop long enough, you’re gonna get a haircut.” I left resentful and determined to prove them all wrong and be the one who was different. Things in life were good at that point. Why would I want to use? Then one day everything changed. Just after I had three months clean as a dry drunk the tables turned and things got hard. I didn’t attend meetings, didn’t have a sponsor, didn’t have any sober friends, didn’t have the tools to deal with what was dealt. Life started to happen and I resorted to my only known solution to bury the fear.

A long time passed before I hit rock bottom again and checked back into rehab. This time around I decided to listen to some of what they were saying, since I was starting to realize they might have a point. I stayed 45 days that time and checked out a new man. I went to meetings regularly, got a sponsor that I knew from my previous time in rehab, but didn’t work the steps or really attempt to change any of my behaviors or attitudes. I had certain reservations waiting for me in the future as well. Drugs that I was never “addicted” to but was able to do on just occasions. In this case LSD. They told me long before another relapse occurred that reservations usually get fulfilled long before planned. That they are a set up for failure. About 4 months clean, working half a program I met someone I used to party with in an N/A meeting. He had about a day or so clean and was looking for someone to hang out with and help him out. I thought that this was my chance to help the newcomer, because they always say, even if you have one more day than someone, you can help them. So I tried. We hung out for a few days, went to some meetings, and by the third day the topic of acid came up. It was only minutes before we both decided to do it. I told myself that I would do it this one night and then continue in my sobriety the way I was doing the next day. It didn’t happen that way. Once you get clean you never get high the same again. The message is always there to haunt you. Days later I was getting high on heroin and cocaine again. I still believed I was in control, even during the lack of.

This run lasted much longer. I went to drastic measures to keep my addiction alive. Near the end of this last run I came to believe that this was where it truly ends for me. I would never be capable of staying sober and doing something with my life. I accepted this and prepared for the end without much care. I don’t remember exactly how it all happened, but something greater than myself drove me to seek help again in hope for perhaps another shot at life. I was lifeless, and didn’t expect to change. Family matters at this point were rough. Money was rough. Legal issues consumed everything of ours. I feared that even if I came clean and begged for help, that this time around help wouldn’t come. But things seemed to fall into place just right as I got honest and made the decision that I was done. I entered treatment a few days later for 3 months. This time taking it all in, listening to ever word they said. At first I was furious I was clean. I felt I wasn’t done yet. But as I realized how lucky I was to have yet another chance at this, I surrendered. Things really began to change after this admission to myself. I knew after three months that I still was not ready to face the world alone. I decided to check into a sober living house. The day I got to Haven-House I was in fear and regret. I could do this on my own I thought. But I faced that fear and soon realized how grateful I was to be in such a safe place. I’ve been here for about 4 months now and it has truly been one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given. I was not ready to enter the world alone. And through many struggles, some in which I know I would have used over, I have overcome with the help of the staff, the fellowship and the housemates. I owe my life now to God and to this house for helping me develop a way of living clean in a new city to me. I now have a sponsor, work the steps, attend meetings regularly, attend school full time, exercise almost every day, and live life. Life is possible clean I’ve realized. And I know there are many more hard days to come but for today I am grateful because today I am clean and have a shot at doing more with my life.

By 'B.H.' on Sunday, March 22nd 2009.

Back to the Real World

I have now been at Haven House for about a month. Everything so far has been going better that I had expected. The staff here has been very helpful and always supportive. The other residents have also been very accepting and easy to get along with. I came here after a 30 day in patient stay at Sierra Tucson in hopes of a smooth transition back to the real world. Up to this point I feel as though I have made some great progress to reaching my goals.

Everyday the house wakes up at 8:15 for a morning meditation, where we read a short recovery based meditation and discuss the day ahead. After meditation I usually do some of my chores and then get ready for the day. Around noon I go to an Intense Out Patient program that consists of group as well as individual therapy. This has been very helpful and educational for me. When I am finished with IOP I make my way back to the house. When I get home I like to play some ping-pong or pool with some of the other residents. At 6 o’clock everyday the house gathers for a family style dinner. Dinner is always great because we have a chef who preparers different things for us every night. After dinner me and some of the other residents usually head out to a meetings. Meetings are always beneficial and are also a great way to meet new and interesting people. It is also nice to have a group of friends from the house to attend meetings with so I don’t have to go alone. After meetings we sometimes go out for coffee or other activities, and then head back to the house for some TV or much needed R and R. My days are usually pretty busy and I get a good night of sleep. It is a nice change of pace and it feels good to know that I have been accomplishing things since I have been sober.

The staff has also done a good job in encouraging me to get a sponsor and work a good recovery program. Everyday is not easy and I have been confronted with some new challenges of staying sober but I feel good about myself to make it through tough times without using. It is nice to know that I always have good support around and I only need to worry about things one day at a time. I do not think I would still be doing so well if I had not made the decision to attend Haven House.

The road I took to get to the Haven house was not an easy one although it felt exciting at times. I was a casual pot smoker and drinker since the age of 16. By the time I got to college I was a daily drinker and habitual pot smoker. In college was where I discovered a little thing called pills. Oxycontin is a miracle of modern medicine that changed my life forever. After using it for the first time I knew it was that thing I was on this earth to do. Everything from the look taste, and ritual of its use was amazing for me. After spending my life savings on the little green pill I knew my life had become unmanageable. One day in an effort to save money I decided to try shooting up a mixture of heroin and cocaine. This proved to be just one of the many bad decisions I have made in life. The feeling I got from speedballs was the greatest feeling I have known in this life and can only be described like I had kissed God. After a relatively short 8 month span I had pawned everything I owned was kicked out on the street by my family and started stealing to support my habit. So after dropping out of school spending all of my money, ruining all of my relationships and 3 dui’s later I decided It might be time for a change. Between rehab and the Haven House things today couldn’t be better and I shutter to think where I would be today with those two things.

By 'R.S.' on Saturday, March 7th 2009.

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